Okay so the last time I used this I was desperately unhappy. A few days after my previous post I took an overdose, ended up in hospital and left university.

Stayed on my anti-depressants for a few more months and stayed off the booze for 5 months! I got a pet rabbit, called Guinness, on my psychiatrist's reccomendation and stayed off work for a month.

I then got a job as a waitress/restaurant manager/bar maid at a pub near where I live. I absolutely hated it but stayed there until the end of August. Mid July I also started part time as an admin assistant for a builders and then they offered me full time after a month, hence I quit the pub.

Had my 19th birthday which was very eventful and drunken and then started full time in the office the next week. I've now been doing that for a month, working hard all week and trying to decide where I want to go next, and going out on Saturdays and drinking my hard earned cash.

It's nice not to worry about money and never be skint, I feel an absolute world away from how I was in March. :D

I can't take this anymore.

home and going back to Cardiff. I don't want to go back but my mum is making me. I'm getting the train early monday morning :(

I think stopping taking my pills was a bad idea. All I can think of doing right now is taking all of them at once.

Anyone who cares will know I've been off uni for a week or so now, thanks to being told I have depression by a doctor. My family thinks there is nothing wrong with me and have forced me to stop taking my meds. I honestly feel better but I think that's because I'm at home and I don't have to worry about money, sleep, lectures etc rather than there being nothing wrong with me.

I've been trying to catch up on uni work that I've missed for the last 2 days but all I've managed to do is print off the notes and look blankly at the first page. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make up all that I've missed, bearing in mind that its now been 6 weeks of absences from 95% of my classes.

I decided that I don't REALLY want to leave uni altogether, because I really don't think I could find a job I want right now. And if I continue at uni I want it to be Cardiff because I have amazing friends there and the city is awesome. Then again I don't want to go back just yet because I don't think I can face 5 whole weeks there. I'm so confused.

I had a look on Ucas for different courses I fancy at Cardiff and the only feasible one that I might enjoy is Diagnostic Radiography. It seems good and it means that I won't have to take an extra year as the course is only 3 years, compared to the 4 of my current choice, and no year abroad obviously. And I wouldn't have to pay tuition fees as it is NHS funded. But the hours would be far greater and if I didn't enjoy it I might end up in the same position as I am now.

I really don't know and I can't face up to all these decisions right now. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. It's killing me.

I'm home! I got realllllly down thursday night and couldn't get out of bed and then slept for 90 mins, woke up and had a panic attack. Not good. My mum made me come home to chill out. Spent 6hrs travelling yesterday, I HATE TRAINS! But good news is I slept for 12 hours! More than I have done all month almost! Still feeling down but better for being with my mum and being somewhere quiet.

Sat in bed now watching telly. Spent all day on the sofa after waking up at 9. Watched Memoirs of a Geisha and then when Mum got home watched trashy telly and started eating again. I had a whole meal! That's the first time in weeks!

That's what it's been pretty much. I went to the doctor on wednesday after another few nights without sleep. I expected him to pack me off and tell me to do more exercise or something. But after chatting with him for a while he came to the conclusion that I'm clinically depressed. It does make sense, there's a lot of things I've been thinking and feeling which all point that way. Doc put me on sleeping pills and anti-depressants. It will take up to a month for the anti-deps to kick in and the side effects are a bitch. I've been shaking a lot and having lots of suicidal thoughts. Not good at all.

Anyway I saw the Head of French at my uni yesterday and emailed all my tutors and they have given me as long as I need to get back on my feet, which was nice.
I also spoke to my dad and told him. He said 'you don't have depression, I disagree with the doctor' and was telling me he thought he had it last year and did an online test and he was fine. I was fuming, how can he compare an online test with the opinion of a man with an MD and 20yrs of experience. Anyway I did an online test (4 actually) and I came out with extreme depression everytime.

Got really bad last night and couldn't move from my bed for a while, and then broke down on the phone to my mum. She didn't want me to come home but spoke to her Uncle and he said I need to brought back as soon as poss, which I am doing.
Didn't sleep well last night, despite the tranquilizers, got about 90mins sleep and woke up having a panic attack. Not nice.

Anyway I'd better get a move on and finish packing or I'm gonna miss my train. If you read all that I apologise, I can't help ranting.

..which is surprising as I really need to get my thoughts out of my head in some way. My uni lectures started again last monday. I missed everyday except Tuesday because I just couldn't be bothered (and I didn't sleep a wink last sunday night).

Then I realised that I really don't enjoy my course. I mean, I loved it before, but I think I love the theory of being able to speak 4 languages more than the actual course. I dread all my classes, especially Spanish, of which I can barely speak a word. I thought about leaving uni altogether but I don't know what else I would do with my life right now and my family would be so disappointed. I'm the only person in my family to have completed 6th form, let alone university. So I don't really know. I've been thinking about changing course, and maybe doing something more vocational, architecture sprang to mine but I did some research and you need Maths A-level, and I only did AS and got a D... so hmm.

Anyway it's now 7.19 and I've not slept yet. I'll make it until the end of the rugby this afternoon and then probably konk out..

Over and out..
Luce

Haven't been on here in a while, so let's have a rundown of this week's main events.

Wednesday:
Unsuccessful job hunting in Cardiff. I just need a waitressing job or some form of temp work but I can't find anything. I'm so bloody broke and my lectures haven't even started yet. I'm going to have to get Mum to help me look whenever she decides to come up and stay. Oh yea and she got a new car, a Lexus! Oooo! Went to Metros, this sweaty underground rock club, where a double vodka/rum/whisky and mixer is £1.09, yes that's right £1.09!! Cheap as fuck, which resulted in me being absolutely trashed.

Thursday:
Stayed in all day and stewed about the poor state of my finances. I get that horrible feeling in my gut everytime I think about it. If I can't get a job I honestly think I may have to leave uni. There's nothing else I can do. Applied for a few jobs on the jobcentre website. The only problem is that I don't have a car here, and many of them are the other side of Cardiff, and my mum REALLY doesn't want me walking around alone at night after that girl was abducted in the Xmas holidays.

Friday:
Went out Friday night to the Student Union with a load of mates, most of whom I only met last friday but we get on well. Had a fair whack to drink; 2 double Southern Comfort and lemonades in the pub, and then 2 shooters, and around 6 VKs in the club. Was enjoying myself, shakin' ma thing to an awesome remix of Supermassive Black Hole that I haven't heard before.
BUT - I ended up kissing James, a mate of my flatmate's and a housemate of a school mate of mine, who I knew liked me, and who everyone has been trying to set me up with for the last week. He came back to mine, and stuff happened but not much cos I felt so ill. ARGH! He just texted me saying he misses me! I like him, he's a sweet guy and he really likes me but I just dunno. I'm again just not that into him! Everytime I meet a guy I'm never as into them as there are into me these days. Since me and Oli broke up in October I just haven't found a guy I'm that into!


I'm so confused..... :(

This is the "Be My Valentine Application." Everyone knows that Valentines day is about a month away so get an early start also everyone knows there's at least one person on myspace that you wants to be your Valentine. Heres the application for that special someone.


Area 1:
Please provide positive answers.
Name:

Age:

Height:

Do you Drive:

State You Live In:

School:

Grade:

Single or Taken:

Would You Date Me:

Kiss On First Date:

Will You Send This Back To Me?:


Area 2:
What would you do if I...

I made a move on u:


I kissed you:


I lived next door to you:


I started smoking:


I asked you on a date:


I was hospitalized:


I ran away from home:


I got into a fight and you weren't there?


I asked u to have sex?


I asked u out?


Area 3:
What do you think about my...
Personality:


Eyes:


Hair:


Area 4:
Have you ever....

Lied to make me feel better?


Wanted to kiss me?


Wanted to kill me?


Broke my heart?


Kept something important from me?


Area 5:
"X" marks the spot
[ ]Kiss me..
[ ]Hug me..
[ ]Date me..
[ ]Kill me..
[ ]Love me..
[ ]Hate me..
[ ]Hold me..
[ ]Lie to me..
[ ]Hurt me..
[ ]Sing to me..
[ ]Dance with me..
[ ]Cuddle with me..
[ ]Let me make a move on you..
[ ]Make a move on me..
[ ]Watch a movie with me..
[ ]Get me a B-day gift..
[ ]Let me borrow your car..
[ ]Be there for me..
[ ]Buy me a drink..
[ ]Bring me around your friends..
[ ]Give me a massage..
[ ]Drink kool-aid with me..
[ ]Take advantage of me..
[ ]Hangout with me...
[ ]Take care of me if I wasn't feeling good..
[ ]Hold hands with me..
[ ]Do something incredibly sweet for me..
[ ]tell me you love me

It's official, he's fine in Smokin' Aces. I'd have his babies!

I want a nice, tall, hot man to call my own. :(

..Aces!


Just about to go see it with 2 of my flatmates. Should be good I reckon. I'm supposed to be going to see it tomorrow night on a kinda date thing but I don't know if I really wanna go... hmmm.. decisions decisions.

I just had an "all in one pan" fried breakfast type thing with mushrooms, bacon, egg and beans. Yummy but oh so greasy!

...and it's 3.20am. I haven't been out drinking but been to see a guy who I met last term and always hook up with. It's weird though cos we get on well and kiss. But that's it, I like him but don't really see it going any further. I feel totally comfortable with him but then again not when it comes down to it! And, he's one of the few guys I've met who's properly taller than me!


GAH! I'm so confused.

I've got fuck all to do work wise and I spent all day sleeping. I thought about going to Tesco but it's closed. All my interesting flat-mates are going out. And WHOA! When did it get so late?! I suppose that's what happens when you sleep until 4.

Okay so here's my first EVER LJ post.

Had a French exam yesterday, which was totally boring and I left an hour early and went to the pub! Went out last night celebrating which was fantabulous! I forgot quite how cheap the drinks are at our Student Union! VIVA CARDIFF UNI!

Anyway after shaking ma thing to the indie beats til 2am I came home, did some drunken spamming on MSN and then fell asleep at 3 until 4 this afternoon! I did wake up at 9.30am after having a highly horrible and disturbing dream :(

I'm well bored tonight tho. Decided to stay in to try and save some cash!

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Okay so here's my first EVER LJ post.

Had a French exam yesterday, which was totally boring and I left an hour early and went to the pub! Went out last night celebrating which was fantabulous! I forgot quite how cheap the drinks are at our Student Union! VIVA CARDIFF UNI!

Anyway after shaking ma thing to the indie beats til 2am I came home, did some drunken spamming on MSN and then fell asleep at 3 until 4 this afternoon! I did wake up at 9.30am after having a highly horrible and disturbing dream :(

I'm well bored tonight tho. Decided to stay in to try and save some cash!